Tirhakah Love (@GoonTherapy)
Sunday evening the “We Prayin’ 4 U” All-Stars team captain, Leonardo DiCaprio, was excised from the Prayer List. The “We Prayin’ 4 U” All-Stars is a collection of pop culture’s most distraught stars who are in need of some spiritual intercedence. These are the stars who need our help the most.
The critically acclaimed actor won a long sought after Academy Award for his role in The Revenant after twenty years of hoping, wishing. But now that the team captain has graduated from Oscar-isle–just off the coast of, GO SCREW YOURSELF ROSE, YOU ABANDONING WENCH Peninsula–it seems only appropriate to round out the entire All-Star team.
A few rules before getting into the list:
- The list is all inclusive: politicians, sports figures, entire regions/states, etc.
- These people/groups are folks we WANT to see succeed in some way. You’re not going on the prayer list if you’re just legitimately a bad person (sorry we’re not sorry, Bill Cosby.)
- The list is in no particular order excluding the first pick–the team captain.
- No injury subs but there is a bench.
- Each entry inquires how we got here and what each individual/group can do to get themselves off the list.
- This is our first annual listing of the squad so give us your input for future lists
We’ve narrowed down the “Prayin’ 4 U” All-Stars to a five-person starting rotation consisting of individuals and entities that need our prayers now more than ever.
The Bench Squad
Byron Scott (Lakers Coach; consistent loser):
-How’d We Get Here?: Curtailing the growth of his young stars because it’s hard to be humble when you stunting on a jumbotron:
Byron Scott on why he kept D’Angelo Russell and Julius Randle as reserves after they opened the season as starters: “Humility.”
— Baxter Holmes (@BaxterHolmes) February 23, 2016
-Help Us, Help You: Scott’s got to be less of a Lakers shill. The team is tanking and this is Kobe’s farewell season but that doesn’t mean we should be without the amazing talent and audacity of D’angelo Russell.
Lakers rookie D’Angelo Russell hits the big three and says, “I got ice, in my veins!”https://t.co/91Y4pp7gvZ
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) March 2, 2016
50 Cent (Rapper & Businessman)
-How’d We Get Here?: Fitty got caught up in a scandal of federal proportion. After successfully filing for bankruptcy in July, the New York emcee was called back to answer for this mindless display of cash.
-Help Us, Help You: Either 50 Cent falls back on contradicting the claims he made in federal court or he single-handedly ethers the government. Both possibilities require real prayer.
Anim(e)ated Movies (Seemingly Trivial Art Form)
-How’d We Get Here?: The vitriol surrounding the Academy Awards diversity problem has yet to address animated films and animated filmmakers.
-Help Us, Help You: The Academy must begin to reflect the changing voices/faces/bodies in film. A victory for Chilean filmmakers Gabriel Osorio and Patricio Escala in Animated Short for ‘Bear Story’ on Sunday is a start.
Katt Williams (comedian, druggie)
-How’d We Get Here?: Katt’s had problems since he went a spree of homophobic rants which attempted to justify in 2012. But now the comedian has fallen to legal troubles from the possession of firearms to armed robbery. With this collection of mugshots, Katt needs our well-wishes.
The All-Star Prayer List
1. Meek Mill (Philly Rapper, Beef-loser, New Team Captain)
–How’d We Get Here?: Meek Mill experienced short-lived highs but suffered catastrophic lows last year. Meek Mill’s 2015 began with new love and a refreshed sense of freedom. Following his release from prison in December 2014, the rapper promptly began dating beloved superstar Nicki Minaj. Just when his fans were gearing up for the release of his new album Dreams Worth More Than Money, Meek called out Drake for employing a ghostwriter and not promoting the new record. The rest is history, really.
Drake released two tracks, Meek released audio of himself yelling incoherently into a mic and the Meek Mill honeymoon phase wrapped by mid-2015. Riddled with legal and lyrical battles, Meek’s loud presence gave way to an even louder judge’s gavel. Let’s just say, handing a lab technician cold water instead of urine for a drug test is a sure-fire way to piss off the law (cajoling Nicki to buy into that lie is a miracle of biblical proportion FYI). Found guilty at the close of last year has left Meek resigned to house arrest and unable to work. As if that wasn’t enough embarrassment, now he’s got personal relationship problems and 50 Cent taking jabs at him. You know the team captain is in trouble if an honorable mention is putting him on blast.
-Help Us, Help You: First thing’s first, Meek’s gotta lay low. It’s never a good look to have the government monitoring your moves, especially if they’ve been proven justified in court. Violating parole, making asinine statements in court, and subjecting your superstar girlfriend to ridiculous court appearances isn’t helping anyone. Meek’s got some heat 2016 didn’t start off ideal as Drake released another diss track “Summer Sixteen.” Meek should just release a statement saying real rappers don’t beat dead horses. Healing hands on rap’s dead horse.
2. Ben Carson (The Republican Party’s Great Black Hope)
-How’d We Get Here?: America might not want to see race as an identifier but the Republican party sure does. The Ben Carson story is fascinating because of his historic fall from grace as a paragon of black intellectualism. To be fair, Carson had the benefit of the doubt despite aligning himself with the party but once he blamed high unemployment rates on black people, we started to look at him sideways. Even worse, Carson hopes to reduce unemployment by establishing economic policy based on a pre-Civil War sharecropping model. HOW Ben? Crazy how affluence can make you forget about electric sliding at the family reunion and doing the Lindy hop with the homies. Whiteness is attractive, apparently. The Republican Party parlays some black leaders quest for whiteness in order to appeal to black voters. Though it’s worked to some degree, black folks can see through the game. Sorry, Ben, we don’t believe you, you need more people.
–Help Us, Help You: Ben needs to get a cushy job doing what he’s good at: Operating on brains. That’d be nice.
3. Stacey Dash, Don Lemon, Raven Symone, and other black race-truthers (washed up media clowns)
–How’d We Get Here?: The View. When clicks are a metric by which we base relevance, we can expect outlandish statements by ostensibly sane people. But black people in America are tirelessly accustomed to violent speech and images of racial politics. The click-bait reaches infuriating levels. Stacey Dash trolled black folks last month when she called to abolish the Black History Month. Sunday, she recanted her foolishness in jest at the Academy Awards, but that entire event felt more minstrel than it did performance art. The careers of black race-truthers, like the Academy Awards, is spent appealing to a white audience that will never fully appreciate who they are as artists. It’s a lose-lose game here.
–Help Us, Help You: While the Prayer Warriors are on bended knee, race-truthers need to do some reflection. Please take a walk down a path beside a river so y’all can see your beautiful blackness and recognize it as such. Self-hate comes from a real place. Rationalizing the violence against black folks with bizarre notions of white comeuppance. It doesn’t work that way.
4. The 29 NBA Teams Not Named Golden State Warriors (Inevitable Losers)
–How’d We Get Here?: When people talk about the top tiers of the league Golden State and San Antonio represent the premier positions. The teams records and stats might suggest they’re close but, to me, the matchup doesn’t bode well for the Spurs. It’s pretty simple, the Spurs just aren’t fast enough. The Warriors play their freelance offense with a precision and pace that isn’t conducive to the Spurs methodical step. The Warriors have trouble with more athletic teams–a point made clear in their game against the Thunder on Saturday. If these teams aren’t as close as we might’ve hoped, the Warriors will win their second straight championship and rewrite history along the way.
-Help Us, Help You: As a Thunder fan, at the end of the overtime thriller in Oklahoma City on Saturday, I almost wished the Warriors had just blown them off the court. The Thunder played their best defense of the season, the Warriors looked out of sorts all game, and the Thunder stars had amazing nights. None of that mattered. Because, history. We’re all witnessing basketball history every single night. So it doesn’t matter how well you think you’re playing, you’re going to lose against Golden State. Why? Because history. Everyone loses to history. Teams should just chalk this year up to history and come back fresh for 2016-2017.
5. Chris Bosh (Beloved baller, comedic genius)
–How’d We Get Here?: Last season Chris Bosh’s season was cut short from blood clots found in his lungs. This season, following a poorly scheduled road trip, Bosh is dealing with blood clots in his calf and is likely out for the season.
Help Us, Help You: Keep fighting Chris. Beyond basketball, you’re a wonderful human being. It’s been a pleasure getting to know you through the game.
Get better soon, buddy.